So it's Christmas

It's December 25th. Hmm. I have waited and waited for the usual holiday feelings to wash over me and they never have. It's not that I'm unaware of the "reason for the season" but I just can't get there emotionally. Instead I am so focused on whether or not my husband is resting comfortably, if he needs something, or if he is still breathing that I'm awake in the night to check on him - sort of 24/7 nursing duty. Celebrating a holiday just doesn't seem to fit in the same equation with his health crisis. I keep asking myself what I want - is it a frosted cookie or a traditional sweet or some leftovers from dinner or some of the great food neighbors have provided - and I realize the empty feeling has nothing to do with food.
What I'd like is time with my daughter in Montana. What I wish I could have is one more hour with Julia who has gone Home. What I want right now is for Neal to be healthy enough to go into the hospital for surgery. Ironic, isn't it? The doctor said Neal has to be healthier before he can survive the heart surgery. Only he can't get healthy without eating more protein and vegetables, but he's too sick to have much appetite. The wound clinic wants him to have a different surgery, but they can't proceed with that until the cardiologist approves admitting Neal to the hospital.
So what I do is just take it an hour at a time, hoping that he feels hungry or isn't in pain and is able to breathe easily. If he's hungry I'll fix whatever he wants, no matter what time. If he is in pain or struggling to breathe, I try to find solutions that don't interfere with his congestive heart failure or his diabetes or his wound or his paraplegia or his bad heart valve. Since his heart is only pumping 20% of normal blood flow, not enough is getting to his extremities or his brain, so circulation is affected and so is his memory. In addition, he is just tired all the time. It's hard to be cheerful when one is sick, so it's hard for him to be positive. I've done fairly well at putting on a happy face, but I find myself weeping in the shower.
The last time I got away by myself was in May 2008 when I took three days and went to Reno to spend a little time with Julia, not knowing that my daughter would be dead less that two weeks later. Do I want to get away from all this now? No I don't - because I know that Neal does better if I'm with him. Do I need some time to myself? Probably. I need a chiropractic adjustment and a massage but there's not much point until he gains enough strength that I'm not doing the majority of the lifting during his transfers. I just hope I can stay healthy so I can take care of him until he can be hospitalized and have at least one of the surgeries.
With all of that, there isn't much to celebrate, but I am humbly aware that the Son of God took upon Him the cares of the world and knows our burdens. I know that our elder Brother loves us, and I know that a loving Father in Heaven is aware of our needs. I don't want to see into the future because I fear that I won't like what I see. I just want to get through each hour with strength to face whatever we must do.