Easter 2012

Easter was hard this year.
The day before Easter was great.  I hosted a family gathering and nearly everyone from Neal's family was able to be here.  Since there are few meat-eaters in the group I decided on crab salad for the entree.  I bought Dungeness crab and set out everything so each person could assemble the salad how he or she preferred.  The egg slicer was so helpful and made the presentation more attractive.  We had other dishes (risotto, more salads, rolls) and I made apricot sorbet and frosted sugar cookies for dessert.  There was even talk about the next time everyone comes for dinner.
It was a wonderful afternoon.
A friend stopped by for a quick but meaningful visit, I finished cleaning the kitchen and then went to an Eagle Court of Honor.  It was so touching, mostly because this was son #3 and Eagle #3. Antonio had completed all of his requirements before his 14th birthday and had his board of review shortly afterwards.  I watched his parents and pondered the amount of effort it took for three sons to complete all the work involved in achieving that goal.  They are great parents.
Sunday arrived, I prayed to keep the spirit with me and focus on the great blessings in my life rather than another Easter without Neal.  During Sacrament meeting there was a special musical number that touched my heart.  It was beautiful and so well-done.   During Sunday School we had an excellent lesson and discussion about Jacob chapter 5 - the wild and tame olive trees.  I considered the branches that were planted in various parts of the vineyard.  Usually my thoughts have been more about where the children of Israel had been scattered but yesterday's lesson led me to other thoughts, like how my daughter is planted in one of the poorest spots of ground.  Being 68 miles from a tiny branch, having no other members of the church in her town, no visiting or home teachers - that's not very fertile ground.  I worry so about my granddaughter with no friends with the same religious beliefs, about the many challenges in attending meetings regularly, and it scares me.  But on the other hand I know that their little town has many good people who are supportive of my daughter and her family.  There are people with good values and a strong sense of community.  Crime statistics are much lower and I think they are safer there.  I also considered the ground where I am "planted."  I live where there is very fertile ground with so many ways for my life to be enriched. 
Am I producing enough fruit to be considered a good branch?
Sunday School ended and I went to play the piano for the third hour young women combined class.  One of the girls in my group has an attitude and made a point of ignoring me in the hall and then skipped class.  Again.  Only three of my girls were there but they don't appear to connect as a class.  There were three rows of chairs and they each sat on a different row.  I hope that none of them feel left out of the group.  I hope they know how much I worry about them and pray for them.
I had invitations to join others for Easter dinner but in the end I just couldn't do it.  I suddenly felt disconnected and needed to be alone.  A phone call with my daughter brought fresh worries about their isolation and then my body went into its almost-daily reaction of low temperature.  I'm grateful for the electric fleece throw Neal bought me years ago.  I snuggled in that and didn't move for two hours while I warmed up.
It seems to me that Easter should be about the joyful recognition that Jesus Christ suffered and died and made it possible for us to be reunited with our loved ones who have gone Home.  I started the day with so much gratitude  to celebrate such a promise.  But the day ended with feelings of sorrow and worry and missing my loved ones.  Somewhere I lost the joy and gratitude.
I need to look for that again.