Stress

Last week we met with the cardiologist and left feeling hopeful that the preliminary steps toward aortic valve replacement surgery were underway.  The only delay was that Dr L wanted to consult with the wound clinic about how Neal's open wound would impact heart surgery.  Their joint decision was that Neal needed a bone biopsy before anything else, and they had already scheduled it for us.  I'm glad it was this week because waiting any longer would have been awful.  Yesterday was so hard as I watched the clock and worried, and it was worse last night when Neal became ill.  I took his vitals - normal temp, elevated blood pressure, pulse and blood sugar; even with electric blanket on high, extra rice bags, fire in the fireplace etc, he was still shivering an hour later.  He was so cold that I considered calling 911.  Prayers by both of us, but as I prayed he suddenly began vomiting.  Amazing turn around - immediately his body temp returned to normal and he felt better.  Prayers are answered, some faster than others.  Before bed we read another lesson in the new Phd/RS manual and talked about what happens if he dies.  It's just details, but the focus on becoming a widow distresses me.
I had nightmares all night, woke 30 minutes before the alarm, fixed breakfast, got us both ready by 7:15, checked in at the hospital by 8am and blood work was started.  His biopsy was scheduled for 9:45, but they didn't come for him until almost noon.  Meanwhile from 5am on, I had serious chest pain, which I hoped was a dislocated rib but was terrified that it might be my heart. (Pain radiating up my left side, out my left arm, stiff neck, etc)  My BP was 153 over 108 when we left the house and my only thought was "let me get him safely to the hospital so someone can take care of him."  Two hours later Neal had an RN retake my BP, and it was 142 over 89.  Much better.  I decided I'd live. 
The biopsy went well and recovery was simple - one of the perks of being paraplegic is that no anesthesia is required for a lower body biopsy, so once he was back in recovery I rebandaged the wound, got him dressed and we left.  I tried to call my chiropractor about my rib only to learn that he was not working today so I inquired if his partner could see me today.  "Can you come right away?  I'll get you in before his first afternoon appointment."  Dr Cheng found the rib that was out of place and put it back - in the back at least.  He did great.   I suspect the rib is still out of place in the front but adjusting that is completely different - I've only known one doctor who would do it and he practiced in Montana.
My chest pain has lessened but I still have it.   Neal is doing better this evening, more appetite and no nausea.  Now we wait for the biopsy results but they told us it will be at least five days before they know anything for sure.  Best possible diagnosis would be a mild infection that required oral antibiotics.  Or it could be an infection that requires round-the-clock IV antibiotics, in which case he'd be in a care facility for six weeks.......before they can even consider cardiac surgery.
I recognize how my body deals with stress and realize this level of stress will be ongoing.  When well-meaning people say "take care of yourself, too"  they don't know how difficult that can be when the physical requirements of caregiving (lifting, bending, whatever) have to happen, no matter how I feel.  Can I take the night off?  Doesn't happen.  I know I've been blessed because since Neal became a paraplegic in 2005, I have had very few illnesses - a bout with flu in 2008 and a few short-term problems.  That's pretty amazing and I am grateful.
I'm also grateful for friends who have fed us, for a RS president who brought me a fantastic sandwich yesterday, and for the many ways friends have sustained us during this trial.  The trial continues but their support eases the burden on our shoulders.