The Process

I've had a few experiences lately that have challenged me physically and emotionally and let me know in no uncertain terms that I am not as strong as I thought I was.  For most of my life I have practiced the "As If" principle.  You know, if you want to be happy, act as if you are and soon you will be.  That has worked for me in the past.  It's not working now.
I have been attending all my meetings, saying yes to nearly every request/favor/assignment coming my way and wearing a happy face while I do it.  I believe most people think I'm doing very well in this new life as a widow.
Guess what?  I'm not.
The sensitive friends who ask how I'm doing usually get this reply:  "I have my good days and bad days."  That's true but only a very few people know how much I am struggling.  Right after Neal died I felt that the best thing I could do was take every opportunity I could to be of service, that keeping busy would help me through the loneliness.  But all that did was delay the grief process - staying busy kept me from feeling this overwhelming loss. 
Caring friends and a few family members have urged me to take care of myself, that this is a time for healing.  For 5 1/2 years I have had no control over my life - every plan has been contingent upon how my husband felt and what he needed.  Did I resent it?  Not at all.  The aortic dissection on October 9 2005 should have taken his life but he survived.  He and I both felt that we had been given the gift of more time together - and that was a blessing.  That didn't make our lives easier but it certainly put things in perspective.  The last few years it has been more and more difficult to care for Neal, especially since all our efforts failed to bring about any improvement in his health.  As it became more challenging, I felt myself becoming depleted - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained.  We worked hard to keep a spiritual component in our lives, but the physical challenges became overwhelming and I honestly didn't know how I could go on much longer.  My doctor was alarmed as my blood pressure kept climbing (along with my weight) and I received repeated lectures about the need to take time for myself every day.  I would listen, agree it was important and go home to the very same behavior because I had no choice.  Neal didn't want anyone else to help him with the physical part of each day, so it was my job except for four very brief occasions when his sister stayed with him so I could go see my daughters - Julia while she was dying of cancer and Anne when she needed me.  My doctor hated that because I was still being a caregiver, just in a different location.  But I had no choice.
When Neal died I thought that I would transition smoothly back to life as it was before we were married 10 1/2 years ago.  (That's right - more than half our marriage was after Neal became paraplegic.)  I really thought that fixing the foods I prefer, having time for myself, keeping my own schedule would all come easily.  After all, I had been single for a long time before we were married and I thought I knew how to be alone.
But two things are interfering with my recovery, or maybe three.  The first is the loss of my sweetheart, my soul mate, my first love.  I miss him so much that some days I can't breathe.  I have no doubt that we will be together again.  We were married in the temple for time and for all eternity and I trust in God's promises.  But my husband is gone and I miss him terribly.  The grief process takes work and it will take time. 
The second challenge is recovering from more than five years of being a 24/7 caregiver.  That was a physical and emotional challenge greater than I could have imagined.  It will take time to rebuild my strength and become healthy, and I need to work on emotional/mental health as well.  I probably need to see a counselor to work through some of these issues but that is an entirely different subject I don't want to explain right now.
The third thing is probably my own fault.  The "As If" principle has created a false perception for others that I'm just fine and that I can do anything at any time because I'm no longer tied down taking care of my husband.  That has resulted in all kinds of strange requests which may or may not be convenient or healthy for me right now.  One day I was asked to take someone to a hospital in Seattle and wait for them to visit and then take that person home.  A hospital?  Like the place where my husband died only a few weeks before?  Seriously?    I love helping with music but three baptisms three weekends in a row, including a special piano solo at one service, plus Primary, Relief Society - much more than in the past. Playing the organ for Sacrament meeting doesn't count - that's just fun. Same thing about substituting in Seminary - I volunteered when the Spirit prompted me and it was a great experience. But this has been a busy week and today I had four requests for help, starting with giving someone a ride at 7am, and giving two more people rides in the middle of the day, and then go pick up a few things for someone else and deliver them to her house. 
My upcoming trip to North Dakota is going to be a good break from the telephone - a time to sit on the train and watch the scenery, to nap if I want and to just rest.  The time with my daughter will be much too short but I will treasure every minute. 
After that trip I have many household projects and then I am going to Hawaii for the first time since 2005.  Flying over alone and being alone in our timeshare will be different but I feel it will be good to walk along the beach and remember the great memories we shared each time we were there.  I'm glad a friend will be there with me for the last part of the trip - it will be a chance for new experiences.  I'm a little nervous about driving because Neal always did that, but it's a small island and I'm sure it will be fine.
This seems disjointed to me as I reread it but my thoughts lack focus so it's not surprising that my writing is the same.