Cycles

I was puttering in my kitchen today and had the TV on for background noise.  I didn't realize that an episode of House would affect me so strongly but I had to shut off the TV when I realized that a male patient was going to die.  A man dying in a hospital was too painful to watch so I left the room and grabbed the keys to go pick up the mail. 
But - that was painful too because in addition to the usual stack of catalogs and an invitation for Neal to go on a cruise there was a letter to me from Swedish Hospital "Spiritual Care Department."
Uh-oh.
The letter began:
"Dear Joan:
A year has passed since the death of your loved one."
I recognize their kindness in contacting at this time.  But it won't be a full year for another 8 days and I was already a little emotional.  Reading the comments and suggestions from the hospital bereavement services just pushed my feelings over the top and I wept.
The night before the funeral Neal's sister gave me a framed picture that had been taken when he was a freshman at BYU.  He had given me a small one when we were dating that year but I'd never seen the large one he gave his family.  I was so touched to have it and hung it at the end of the hallway a little higher than eye level.  I didn't realize that would place his image almost exactly the height he had been when we stood together but I find myself standing in front of the picture as I think of all I wish I could tell him.

I miss my sweetheart.  Life without him has so many challenges.  I know this cycle of grief will pass and I'll look forward again to making plans and moving forward with my life.

But today is really difficult.