Shame On Me

Our front yard has a number of rhododendrons surrounding a maple tree.  The rhododendrons were Neal's pride and joy - he loved to work with them, make sure they had fertilizer at regular intervals, took care of watering them and enjoyed them so much. I don't recall ever seeing a rhododendron before I moved here, so their care and needs are a little vague to me.  On the giant list of  "Things I wish I had asked Neal" is how much fertilizer, how often, how frequently should I water, when do I clip them back, what else do they need, and on and on.
A few years ago Neal had some young folks help put in a drip system to water various spots, including the rhody bed. It was slick - connect the hose, turn the faucet on slightly and it watered everything in that section in an hour.  However, each fall and winter the tubing gets knocked out of place when we rake the leaves, and maple trees drop a lot of leaves.  The entire drip system was Neal's department and I seldom did anything with it except adjust a sprayer now and then for him.  I wish I had paid more attention.
Last spring I was so distracted by everything in my life that I didn't ever set up the drip system.  If I thought about it at all I guess I thought I'd just toss a sprinkler in there now and then and deal with the drip system later. 
Then I left town a few times - North Dakota in May, Hawaii in June, Montana in July and Oklahoma in August.  When I was in town I was involved in paperwork, trying to keep up with mowing the lawn, church responsibilities, visiting teaching, struggling with sleep deprivation, keeping in touch with family or getting ready for my next trip.  The rhododendrons didn't get much thought, although I did fertilize them once last spring and a couple of times I tossed a sprinkler in there.  They didn't put out a lot of blossoms but I attributed that to the unusual weather this year or possibly they missed Neal like I do.
Today I took a serious look at all of them. The one I always notice is right by the sidewalk so I inspect it whenever I pick up the mail.  It looks pretty good and I think that's why I've been complacent about all of them.

See what I mean? It doesn't look too bad.
However, this poor little baby is so dehydrated and it's all my fault.

I'm not even sure it will make it through the winter.  Poor little thing. 
The count right now is four that look healthy and four that look awful.  I have been soaking the area around them for a couple of hours and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that will help but it's iffy.
I should have been more diligent.
In my defense I have been overwhelmed with my life this entire year so trying to keep track of all the details with the yardwork was pushed to the bottom of my list.  First there was my first biological grandchild born over a month early, Neal's health issues, a trip to North Dakota to help my daughter, home to discover my husband was much worse, three weeks of continuing crisis for Neal while in the hospital, the decision to suspend medical treatment, his passing, the funeral, all the arrangements for the funeral, notifying family and making sure they had a place to stay, transportation and directions to the house, the church and the cemetery, trying to help others in the family who were grieving, dealing with all the paperwork and defending myself from people who tried to take advantage of my trust.  Then I was whammed with lots of well-meaning people who felt that the best way to help me was to keep me busy.  I've never had so many "Can you go here and do this for that person?" requests in my life!  I enjoy serving but I was exhausted.  I'd had 5 1/2 years as a 24/7 caregiver and I had just lost my dearest friend and soulmate.  I wasn't sleeping and I needed time to grieve.   I think that keeping so busy delayed some of my grieving - it's been very difficult and I walk the floor at 2am nearly every morning.
Friends and leaders at church have been so kind to provide help in so many ways - I have no reason to complain about how they have taken care of me.  I even have a freshly painted fence because young men and their leaders did the entire thing!  I had only hoped they could do some of it and get it started so that I could finish up as I got time.  But it was arranged less than 24 hours after Neal passed away and they painted all of it.  That's true service.
So I've muddled along this year, mowing the lawn when I remembered or worked up the motivation to do it, watering some when I noticed a need and regularly telling myself I need to do something about the shrubs - the laurel hedge is out of control, the rhododendrons probably need water, and someday I should trim back the azaleas.  Or clean the shed. Or clean the garage. Or defrost the freezer.  Or plan actual meals.  Or exercise.  You get the picture.
But I feel so sorry for the rhododendrons and wish I could apologize to Neal for not taking better care of them. In the eternal scheme of things it isn't a big deal, but they were something he loved and I neglected them too long.
I'm sorry.