I'm not sure when it happened but my attitude has changed. After Neal died I was so busy for several months that I didn't really have time to process my thoughts. When life finally calmed down I was overwhelmed with grief and struggled with depression. It felt like a dark cloud had surrounded me and I couldn't get out. I would do whatever was required to the best of my ability, attended temple sessions, fixed meals, talked to people - and then I'd come home and weep. Every night was painful and I felt like the rest of my life would be nothing but more of the same. I felt like the only reason I was still alive was because I needed to organize paperwork and clear out my house so that it would be easier for my daughter when I was gone. I had no motivation to go anywhere or do anything - and when I had to it was a challenge for me.
But there has been a shift in how I feel. It wasn't sudden but little by little I have come to realize that I am SO BLESSED. Instead of grief being the main feeling of each day, I feel overwhelming gratitude. I have a home I can afford to live in, I have friends and a ward family who check on me and help me, I have a temple and a church building close enough that I can conveniently attend meetings. I have a physical body that allows me to do much of what I want, plus eyes to see, ears to hear (imperfectly but that's better than not at all), and I have family - Neal's in this area and a lovely daughter and her sweet family who I can text or call every day if I want. I am blessed with a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, a knowledge that He died for us, and the comfort of knowing that I'll see my Julia again. Last but certainly not least I am sealed to the love of my life. Neal became a paraplegic in 2005 but we were allowed 5 1/2 more years together when medically that was not expected. We had 10 1/2 years of marriage and we know what a miracle it was to have found each other again. Even more important - we will be together again.
I am truly blessed.
Someone pointed out that the only difference between "bitter" and "better" is one letter. That's a tiny difference in spelling but it is a huge difference in perspective.
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3 comments:
Very sweet, Joan. You have been through quite a lot. You are an example to me as to how to keep proper perspective on life, death, and living. Thank you for the uplifting thoughts.
:)Kathy
Love you Joan. Thank you for sharing these feelings for us to learn from your example. You have always been such an example to me. I am grateful to know you.
Love this. Hugs!
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